‘Christmas Letter from Uncle Lebus’

By Rick Reiley

Well it’s that time of year again! Christmas. Time for the family letter that maybe some of you will read. Most of you ought to read it because if you don’t you’ll never know if I mentioned those things you told me to keep secret.

Honestly, I’ve kept so much secret all these years I’ve gotten the secrets mixed up with who gave them to me and they're mixed up with each other. It really makes little difference now. Everybody knows what kind of people you are!

As some of you know Uncle Darrel and Aunt Hattie celebrated 44 years together in May. Then they had sex change operations, exchanged wardrobes and switched sides of the bed and seem as happy as larks. “We shoulda done this years ago,” they told me. “Now we know how the other half lives!”

So there you go. They not only walked in the other person’s shoes now they wear their pantyhose and jockstraps too. They seem to be better for it.

You cousin Bruce lost his job at the oatmeal plant but he’s taken out to hanging out at casinos and gambling with unlocked cars in the parking lot. Says he’ll write when he gets a chance to slow down from running from the Indian lawyers.

Speaking of lawyers; Violet and Danny are still married to their respective spouses but their long term affair with each other knows no bounds. Their spouses don’t mind cause they never wanted them around anyway as they’ve got ‘friends’ of their own they’d rather be with. Divorce has never been mentioned. No one seems to want to rock that particular boat.

Cousin Bud fell off the roof last week cleaning the chimney with his new electric weed whacker. Bud always liked a challenge. Now he’s going to have to figure out how to get back on the roof with his neck in a splint and both legs in a cast. Thankfully he kept the warranty on the weed whacker and a replacement should be in the mail in time for Easter. (By the way which of you is hosting Easter dinner next year? Nobody keeps us informed of anything anymore!)

Remember ole Judge Reinhart? He lived on the corner across from the tag agent’s office. Well he came out of the closet last week. It scared us all to death because there was a trucker and a preacher in there with him.

They pretended not to know each other as they straightened their clothes and ran out the door as if nothing happened.

The judge just looked at us as though we were trespassing. (Well, we were technically since we were hiding behind the door). But we promised we’d never say a word about it. I expect to hear from the Judge as soon as he sees this letter.

Remember that toothless guy who used to come to the door asking for money to save the city dump? He finally got enough money and just flat out bought it last week. Had it cleared and is building new luxury condos. Still ain’t got no teeth though. He hires cute girls to chew his food for him. Says he’s doing what he can to spread the money and the kindness shown to him over the years.

And Mrs. Renfrow? That woman who used to model nude in her own garden? Yeah, no one ever wanted to see her naked and artists couldn’t stand the thought of it. But she posed every Tuesday for years. Many a young boys vision of the future was blighted by that sight. Many of them turned to alcohol and the church. (Excuse me while a pour another shot.)

Anyway, she was finally declared a neighborhood menace when all the vegetation died and her fence fell down. Her remaining family took a vote and put her on a bus for Vermont late last night. They’re hoping the harsh winter will cure her.

The church basement was flooded in August during the storms. Found out the priest had a camera hooked up to the confessional and hidden in the closet next to the hot water heater. He was broadcasting confessions to a porn site in Utah. Said he was just trying to spread the word as best he could with what was available. ‘Sin and salvation,’ he said, ‘it’s a circular game of musical chairs.We all must play our part!’

I’m doin’ the best I can to do my part this holiday season.

Your aunt Wanda and me send our love and prayers to you and yours this Christmas holiday season!

We’re leaving for Jamaica as soon as we max out these 9 credit cards, pawn all these Christmas gifts and catch a ride to the airport!

Love and hugs-

From your uncle Lebus and aunt Wanda!